My Wish For You

I wish you love unconditionally

And dance till there is no tommorrow

I wish you kiss passionately

And never experience sorrow

I wish you happy times

And sad ones to show you life lessons

I wish you success and lots of blessings

But most of all i wish you peace

Hi blog me again, have you ever had one of those days when your family feels like you were there last hope? Well am having one of dos days, dos weeks, dos months and dos years. Feels like am the only one who made it and i haven't even gotten anywhere yet. Like am da only one that made it so every1 looks at me with those Oliver twist eyes and start begging. Can i have some more please? No you may not have no more what do i look like Obama? Am not tryna b selfish but am not here to help ery1 because i cnt help ery1. My heart is so big because most of the time i succumb to those poor lil Bambi eyes and i do give. I am my families financial bailout. Months away from a lil college degree i already here the cha ching in there minds. I have come to believe that they don't try hard enough for themselves because they already believe, already know Daphne will do it or give it or help. Am at that point where i want to hide and run from it all. You know move to a different island and wire a check down when i feel like it, call when i feel like it and certainlyvisit when i feel like it. I have a good friend who always reminds me Daphne you can't save them and you can't always help them only one man can do that and well he ain reach yet. So until then, until i can no longer stand to hear there plea,cry and Bambi eyes, this is my story for the week, month, day and year.

Stay

Stay
Even if you don't want to
I want you to
Stay

I need you to
Stay
See you don't understand what your presence does to me
What it makes me become
I just want you
Stay

Even if for a little while though i want you
Stay
Longer, for months for years not just days
Stay
In that warm place
Where my heart beats only because you
Stay

Stay
With me
Become one with me
Love me
But only if you want to
Stay

I hear you
In the back of my mind i hear you
My blessing and my curse
I hear you
I always hear you
Sometimes a whisper
Sometimes a shout but i hear you

I can't save you
Your screams for help i can't ignore but i can't save you
You want me to be the hero but all i do is hear you
It pains me to hear you

Like a empty room that echoes
Echoes of pain. suffering and hurt
I always hear you

Sometimes i wish i can deafen you
But all i do is hear
I hear what you want from me
What you want me to be
What i must sacrifice

I hate hearing you
Like a broken record
Your sounds replay and replay and rewind and replay
I hear you

Murderer

Sirens
That's all i hear
Paralyzed in the moment
A moment that shouldn't have been the next moment

Red, Red is everywhere
On the walls
My shoes
My hands
My face!

I got red on my face!

Everything is moving in slow motion
White, red and black is creeping near
Can clothes walk?
If yes, then why towards me?

Finally i look down and there it is
Eyes staring back at me
Blank stares, Empty, Lifeless

Why are these eyes looking at me? and whats with the siren?
A scream, loud and piercing
Shouts and scream join in a never ending chorus

Then i hear something
You have the right to remain silent
Silent? But i am silent

Silent, red, paralyzed

I did it but did i want to do it?

It was a joke a hypothetical joke passed down from years and years of suppression from her.
Her? Yes her!!!!

She had it coming
I am no longer paralyzed
She feeds my anger
Quenches my evil side

I laugh that cynical laugh
Things start moving fast
Blobs of black swarm the place
More blank stares, a finger pointed

Murderer!!!

He talks

Hey blog, just little something different from my usually love themed blogs.

Above the Hallelujahs and Amens
You hear him
Before praise and worship and after benediction
You hear him
Interspersed between the the church's organs and the preachers cry
You hear him

Give give give
Want want want

Seems like the place of God is in a recession too

Thought this was a place i got saved
But can't seem to save when all i hear is him

No its not God talking to me
Its him

The dollar sign, the cha ching noise in church thats what i hear that what i see
Him calling begging

Salvation apparently comes with a price.

About Love

Just a lil something that was floating in my mind...


People love differently
Some love more intense than others
That public display of affection the makes onlookers grovel
I don't know how i love
Or if i love at all
I was told i was heartless, cold
Made me think the hell with love
Then made me regret love or falling in love or my lack of love, loving
21 years young and am already tired of love
If that's what you call it
One day,maybe, I'll see eye to eye with love and actually understand it
Maybe even display it
Then I'll be one those PDA's
Ignoring my envious onlookers who are just miserable and lacking what i found...Love
Maybe because what i thought was love wasn't just a cloudy misrepresentation
Maybe i found myself
Maybe love was there all along and i just wasn't ready
I often wonder when will i be like India Arie and too sing my tune " I am ready for love"
Well like i said 21 years young, no rush
Guess am just scared of lonely

Regret

I hope tomorrow i dont wake up and realize what i lost

yesterday won't ever come back

Especially not at this cost

At the moment it seems so right

I hope am not chasing a dream that disappears in the darkest night

I don't want any regrets of what could have been

I don't want to miss tomorrow

Because i can't turn back time

And what use to be might never ever be mine

You make mistakes and you learn

I hope my mistake won't leave me burned

Burned, bitter

Chasing father time

Looking for him like he owes me money

Hating myself

Darkness

All the lights are off
The room is still with darkness
Darkness that fills my heart
Guilt rimming over
Paining me like a stab wound in one of the most unthinkable places

This is how i feel when i think about you and me.
Alone in the dark
With my mind playing tricks on me
Wanting to turn on the light but ashamed to see myself in the truth

You can't play with people feelings
Am playing with them harder than a guitar
Playing my guitar in the dark room
The room still with darkness
Only the sounds of the guitar playing

Playing hard, falling out and falling in
Afraid to let go
Selfish, greedy, gluttonous

I wish it were easier, simpler
I wish it were not you
I wish it were not me

Pretending is dangerous
That's why i stay in my dark room
So i won't see what i have become
See my mask
Maybe you won't find me here

All the lights are off
The room is still with darkness

HAPPY NEW YEAR REFLECTION

Well blog it is January 1st, 2009. A whole year has come and gone and of course there have been good times and bad times. Boy did last year just fly by. So many problems so little time. World wide there was the gas problem and the recession. However on a positive note Barack Obama won the presidential campaign (YEA!!!!!) Hopeful all the hype was worthwhile.

Enough about nothing. 2008 has brought me love, laughter, joy and pain. I was given new responsibilities and i abandoned old ones. Mentally i handled all the problems that came my way. Physically i gained a few pounds but who cares you only live once and emotionally well am as happy as i can be with a few ups and downs but hey life can't be perfect and it won't be even when you think it is.

2008 began with a shiny white car, another semester in school and unemployed parents. But i managed to handle all quite well, the latter being the hardest part which am still working on. It also made me a year older 6 days later. Which i celebrated under the stars in an Italian restaurant called Lucianos. I went through valentines more birthdays and holidays coming right back down to another new year. I maintained friendships, rediscovered old ones, made new ones and have created stronger bonds with my family. I must say i was blessed in 2008 and for me to complain would be ungrateful. So i won't. I will take my struggles and continue to hustle.

I didn't come up with a new years resolution because i want to take life as it comes. The only thing i want to do it live my life without hesitation and worry.
2009 Guys...MAKE THIS YOUR YEAR TO SHINE!!!!!