Jealousy

I looked in the mirror and what did i see?
It was jealousy starring right back at me
It envied my eyes and it envied my nose
It envied my smile
It envied my clothes
Jealousy followed me everywhere i went
I couldn't work with out hearing whispering
I couldn't sleep on my soft pillow
Because there were talks about that
Somehow jealousy always knew where i was at
It loved to see me fail and hated to see me prosper
It wanted all possessions and it wanted all my friends
In fact jealousy wanted my life
I had to set jealousy straight and tell it to get the hell out of my face
Because when i look in the mirror all i want to see is peace smiling right back at me

My Favorite gift

Hi blog, seeing that today is christmas i thought that i would write about my favorite gift in my whole lil lifetime.

It wasnt quite Christmas morning but it was along that week. My dad went out and said he'd be right back. Now i don't quite remember when i said i wanted this gift but my dad did.He was only suppose to be going for groceries but there it was, like a glow of light. Nothing else seemed relevant at that time. Now when he first returned i thought i was just helping him bring in the groceries but he came in with this bag full of idk wood chips, which at first glance i thought was dog food. Now idk why i thought it was dog food because at time we didnt even had a dog. But anyways as he proceeded inside there is was hidden behind him....A HAMSTER!!! I absolutely loved it. Furry tiny and all for me. Trixie Twiggy Mollie Smith was its name and i never let him out my site. That was the best present my dad ever gave or anyone else for that matter. Thats the Christmas i remember the most.

How it used to be

Puzzled over how things used to be
That constant i love you and you loving me
All of whats turned into memories
Missing you and our intimacy



Late night visits
Sneaking back at home
Wishing you could come home with me
Wrapped up with someone else



Passion bubbles over and its hard to control
My passion for you is taking its toll
Drawing a line between love and hate
Hating the line thats been draw but its too late

Can't turn back the time

Am forever living the past

Its true what people say forever never lasts

Life

Repeating those famous words from a Tupac song: Why am i trying to live if am just living to die". Isn't life funny? We spend our whole lives trying to accomplish material possesions forgetting that we are leaving them all behind possibly for family members to fight over. So why am i trying to live if am just living to die? Why do i wake up nearly every morning and go to work even when i don't want to? Do i really have to make that money? It has been engrained in our system from before our time that this is the way our life will be. Those fortunate enough will receive a thorough education, get a good job build that house and eventually die in it. I always wonder why God made us to be so monotonous and live such repetitive lifestyle, generation after generation. Are we his little pawns? Is this really why he created us. Well of course you know i have not received and answer to those questions and i have learnt from my grandparents and the little bit of teaching i have gathered from church to not question God and accept things as they are. I was only prompted to write this blog because I was on bet.com looking at a recap of 2008. What stood out to me was all those so called "legends" that died this past year leaving all of their glory and riches behind. Was that what we were meant to do? I just stared at their pictures and tried to think of how their life must have been when they were alive. Most of the pictures had smiling faces.Was that day the greatest moments of their lives? Did they think they would live forever? Did the thought of death cross their minds? Well most of my questions are rhetorical because i think the people with the answers are long gone into dust. But of course i was simply wondering.

Hey blog long time no write. Just got caught up in the holiday season. This is just a lil something that was buzzing in my head.

What does it take to be a real man?
Is it his bank account or what he's got in his pants
Maybe its his swagger and the sexy way he smiles
Or is it his kisses that drive you wild?
Are you blinded by the bling?
Is he a real man cause he gets you tingling?

What does it take to make him your man?
The flashy car that he doesn't let you drive
Or the comforting way he puts on that wet and wild?
Dirty minds think alike
So maybe that's what has you in sync
Or is he a real man because he makes your heart think?

Is he a real man because he folds your clothes
Or is it the way he makes you touch your toes
I've got lots of sexy connotations that'll make you smile
But is he a real man cause he takes care of your child

Does he listen to your every word when the world is against you
Is he a real man because you want him to
Can you make a real man or do find him?
Is he a mamas boy?
A gangsta?
A feminine heterosexual?
A wanksta?
A accountant or a houseman?
Does he work for Sandals?
Does he drive a Benz?

Whats does it take? Do you even know?
Does he have to like your daddy?
Get your families approval?
A real man ain't something you come across everyday

Pedestrian Crossing

Why in the streets of Nassau is there no regard for pedestrians. I watch my life nearly flash before my eyes on numerous occasions. I mean literally saw myself from toddler hood to my newly found adulthood trying to cross these crazy streets. Imagine what the tourist must think. Sometimes i feel a little bold and think if i start walking the car will see me and eventually slow down....STUPID ME! I think the cars just go faster. I cannot even fathom what may go through these drivers head when they see human beings crossing the street. They practically try run us over like our very own pot cakes which by the way my heart always goes out to when i see them laying lifeless on the side of the road. Just last week Friday i watched a female security officer get knocked down by Sandals and guess what? The driver didn't even stop. Luckily she wasn't hurt. All she did was sat there and cried but what if? You know that tragic what if situation. I don't know what it will take for us to acknowledge these zebra prints specifically put on our streets.

What goes around comes around

Memories linger in the deep corners of my mind

Dwelling on my unforgivable past

Cardinal sin

Guilty pleasure

I wish it were more simple

But life doesn't work that way

To live a life of lies

To go or to stay

No one likes to get hurt

So why should i be the bearer of bad news?

Choosing between you and I, him and me

Careful with who i love and careful with my intimacy

Pleasure quickly boils over to pain

Regret and confusion , and irremovable stain

Staining me, possessing me, hating me

Returning like a circle, running away from karma and her arrows

Darting this bad luck that follows, trying to undo who has be done

Realizing now what goes around comes around

Butterflies

Butterflies...that's what you give me
Those forbidden butterflies that aren't meant for you
Stolen butterflies that shouldn't be happening to me

Tipsy and pissy drunk with love
Talking to myself reliving our forbidden conversations
Tingly butterflies all over my skin

They say love can be interchanged for crazy
Am starting to believe they are right

Those butterflies...oh those butterflies

Things are happening that i do not want to happen
Shouldn't be happening at least not from you
But once again those butterflies never miss a season, a day, a night

I think it all started with the butterflies
That's what let me know
This won't be an ordinary conversation
This will be much more

Wishing it was more than butterflies and wishing it was less
To many emotions, real life and possibly a broken heart
But the butterflies just make you want to forget whats at stake

Put on that sly smile and go out late

Disappear into the dark with that dangerous smile

Waiting for those butterflies to send you wild

Forbidden butterflies
Butterflies...that's what you give me

Some people forgive but never forget

The hurt I've been through would never go away
So i close my eyes and think tomorrow is another day
And though life goes on as time never waits
Some people forgive but never forget
The hurt it lives on
Clinging for dear life
Will it ever go away
Do i want it to go away?
It is almost like the hurt has become a part of me
Molded me into who i am
Who i want to be
And though life goes on as time never waits
Some people forgive but never forget
I want to forget but i don't want to forget
You know one of those dreams where i am far away from life and all its hurt
I can't let hurt go and it won't let me be
Haunting, Watching, Stalking
I feel as though i will always be incomplete because i need hurt and hurt needs me
Some people forgive and don't want to forget, never forgets, just can't forget

A Sinners Prayer

Dear God,

Yup its me I know I know long time no see
I've been busy ,you know here and there
Somehow i forgot how much you cared
The way you sent your son to die for me
You think i could remember a 9am service every Sunday

I quickly forget my memory isn't good
I really don't read my Bible like i should
I would thank you everyday if i wasn't so caught up
You gave me so many blessings once again i just simply forgot

I know i know excuses won't do but i keep thinking tomorrow i will thank you
Tomorrow i will remember to thank you for the sunshine
For waking me up through my crooked blinds
For not getting in a car accident when i was an inch close
For letting me pay my asue when i feel am dead broke
For giving me the cold instead of the flu
For guiding my mother the way i ask you to
For still blessing me even though i forget
For letting me live my life with no regrets

What can i say this is a sinners prayer
I tried very hard to not put a bad word in here
You know i use them occasionally you know
But i have to give you thanks for this beautiful mouth
And for these big full eyes and
For my crooked teeth and my chunky thighs

I know you don't promise tomorrow so tonight this will have to do
Remind Dear Lord to always say thank you
Well enough about me you made me so you know
I just hope i remember to thank you again tomorrow.

Life Happened

High school reunion the quintessential spot to see who has become and who has not
Many with fatherless babies and overweight wives
Many working in a burger joint or a boring 9-5
A few at the bank sharing bank tellers jokes; a poor synopsis about themselves
A few who showed up but wish they had gone to hell
Then there is that perfect couple that doesn't look perfect anymore
Some more shyly coming through the door
Then conversations begin and catching up occurs
Many are telling lies
Few whispering true words
I thought you were in college?
I thought so too
I dropped out
Well what the hell happened to you?
Life happened
After kid number 1 was kid number 2
I was learning to be a pharmacist but got addicted on some other shhhh
I gave up on sports and i gave up on my health
My wife left me and I've been through hell
The banks won't stop calling and my job cut me loose
Guess what the hell happened
Life happened too
All that money spent for 12 years of school and you mean to tell me you stuck at Atlantis too?
Well i went off to Canada and tried to learn a thing or two
That didn't go well
Life happened too
If i could've seen into the future my preparations would have never failed
But life happened

Dreaming

I remember dreaming yes dreaming of what i wanted to be
a doctor, lawyer or teacher maybe
but boy does reality set in like a beep...
now i don't even remember what my dreams use to be
dreaming went to hoping went to wishing went to gone
Dreaming turned to materialistic aspirations stuff that got me nowhere and just made me impatient
I remember dreaming yes dreaming of what i wanted to drive
would it be Japanese, European, i knew it certainly wouldn't be a jag
but boy does reality set in like a beep....
now what i driving ain't even close to a jeep
Dreaming went to unrealistic, broke aspirations and once again it just made me impatient
Impatient to see what could actually be if i took my time and discovered me
I remember dreaming yes dreaming of what i could be, would be, should be, need to be
They encourage you to dream, you know "they" teachers, parents, pastors, sisters, brothers, Grammy, aunts...yup pretty much they
They want your dream because theirs never came true.
They need you to dream so that they may believe dreaming is not a thoughtless cloud that happens when you close your eyes..
Well I still remember dreaming yes dreaming because if i don't dream i won't believe and if i don't believe i won't succeed and reality will always set in like a beep.

How would you justify?

How can you justify an 11 year old coming to school with a gun threatening to kill 3 of his classmates? Sure his classmates may have teased him bully him and even stole his lunch but how can you put a value on 3 young human life.The problem with this is you can't. How can you justify an 18 year old being crushed by a jitney driver? Sure he stole money from him and the driver is the sole breadwinner of his home with 7 children to feed but what is the value of human life? The problem with this is you can't justify it. There are many things in the world that cannot be justified. I have thought about it and am sure persons in the legal system have thought about it. The simple problem is you just can't.

Everyday she sits by the phone
silence, and then more silence
It never rings
Newspapers are scattered everywhere
dishes piled to the roof and cupboards echo emptiness
She's been searching but can't seem to find
Days, turn into weeks and weeks turn into months
The newspapers everywhere all have oblong circles every three or four inches down
She's started to smoke and here eyes have long turned red
The liquor bottle in front of her is empty but she doesnt need anymore
Her heart has been heavy already
Unemployed
Its invisible letters are all over the wooden walls
Unemployed
Its invisible letters are all over the silent phone and the empty cupboards.
Talk about a dark corner or a deadend road
Her hair started falling out and she's almost down to a size 1
Unemployed
Her kids were all taken from her
Nothing she could do for herself let alone them
Diplomas, certificates, trophies all in a box
None of it matters...Unemployed

Send them all back..well except my Gardener

Send them all back... well except my gardener. Now you may be wondering who needs to get send back. well i think you know, aw come on do not play like you don't know. Well am refering to the haitian problem in the Bahamas. Many Bahamians have a problems with the haitians but have yet to realize what they do for the country. Hence the title send them all back. Haitians do so many little and bigs that Bahamains may or may not admit to. It starts from little odd jobs like gardening, handyman, carpentry and even police officers. The Haitian problem is a little complex here in the Bahamas you see because really and truly these Haitians were born on Bahamian soil and just have Haitian ancestory. The problem is the Bahamian law says that if your father is not born here you cannot be called a Bahamain whether you are born here or not whereas in Haiti the law states whereever you are born is your nationality. So they are displaced not only by the ocean but by the people. The people in the Bahamas and the people in Haiti. Well i like my gardener so do not send them back and i know he loves his family so you can't send them back....I guess there's no one left to send back.

Tabbi

My cat Tabbi is simply the best thing that has happened in my life. He is sweet and the only thing i look forward to when i come home. I can not imagine a day without him. I had him since May and i tell u he has grown so fast. I have him absolutely spoiled anything he meows for he can get. Tabbi is like my child. My precious Mr.Tabs. Today i had to take my precious Tabs to get neutered. The look on his face said it all..don't leave me mama please. But i had to i felt like crying like it was his first day at school. I wasn't ready to leave him and he wasn't ready to leave me. Funny how these furry little animals get so attached to your heart. It was like he needed me. I remember the first day i brought him home he was to little to climb on the bed so i lifted him all the time and his water bowl was to big every time he went to drink it almost fell in. I make sure my Tabs wants for nothing. He was so tiny he slept in my size 8 shoes. Oh Tabs can't wait for him to come home.

Have You Ever Noticed?

Have you ever noticed how we trust complete strangers? For example, for persons who catch the bus, take a flight, eat at fast food restaurants, try a new hair stylist and the list goes on. Do you know the bus driver or pilot? Can you trust him with your life? Well every time you step out on that plane or that bus you are trusting your life to someone you do not know. Well we assume that they have a license and certificate and of course we trust the airline but what happens if they lied, bought the license or worse like in the movies tie up the real person and put on their uniforms and carrying on like normal. Well you know am just wondering. And what about the food handlers, sure they train them to wash their hands and properly prepare our food. But what about that percent who is completely miserable with the job and does care to adhere to the rules? What happens to our food then? Boy i don't care to find out. Well am not trying to scare you because am a big eater of fast food and i do travel via bus or plane but you as usual am just wondering.

Happiness

What is the meaning of being happy? Is it getting that new tricycle at Christmas when you were young or is it buying your first car? Is it finally graduating from high school or is it finally getting a degree? Is it marrying that guy you love or having your very first child? Is it having a good relationship with your family or perhaps having no relationship at all makes you even more happy. I find myself trying to figure out what is the meaning of happy or in particular what will make me happy. Lately persons have been telling me how pessimistic and cold i am. And lately i am beginning to think i am not happy. Deep down inside maybe i am miserable, sleep deprived, cold and lacking something that should evidently be in my life. Well while the answer is clearly not known right now i hope one day i find happiness

Who will it be?

So Tues Nov 4th, 2008 is the big day world and i do mean world because whenever the USA sneezes we all catch the cold. Europe, Germany, Holland oh yes and little Bahamas. I recently took a trip to a local foodstore and saw a painting for sale. The painting had 2 images, the first one had Martin Luther King and it said "i have a dream" and below it had Barack Obama which said "I am the dream" . I found this very interesting and touching because me being a black person obviously i felt like Martin Luther dream was not in vain....or was it? Have we all been so caught up in the fact that Obama could be the first black president that we forgot to listen to what he has to offer? Or have we been listening? Are we ready for this world? Me personally i admit have only listen to what Obama has too offer. Forgive me but listening to a near death old man whose arms never raise pasts his chin is quite... whats the word...boring. Well world Nov 4th is less than a week away. A week away from freedom or a week away from doom. We'll see world..We'll see

What they say

There has been plenty of talk about the recession and what is yet to come. I watch the Dow go up 300 points and drop to a low 700 resulting in a another lucky 700 billion yes BILLION dollar bail out that has yet to take effect but hey all of this is talk right? I watch gas go up over 130 dollars a barrel to dropping to below another lucky 70 dollars a barrell which has yet to take effect but hey all of this is talk right? Were in a recession, at least thats what they say, then he says then she says. I thought all of the prices spinning out of control was because of Gas prices but hey gas has gone down so should' nt the prices reflect that? Well thats just what i say. So predictions of another 12-18 months of fore closures, high food cost, high electricty cost and who knows what else will be added. But thats just what they? What do you say?

She talk He talks

I talk, she talks, he talks we all talk
Then the talk starts to walk and runs
talking no longer becomes fun
and then....
She talks we talk i talk
talk becomes emotional, angry, presumptious
Talk suddenly looses sound
We talk she talks i don't talk
i don't talk because talk has nothing left to say
she talks we talks i never talk
i stop talking but sound still comes out
how does talk do it?
does talk have help?
Well she talks he talks but where is has talk originated
talk is hungry and the appetite is big
Feed it
Overstuff it
Starve it
Talk gets you in trouble
let talk suffer
because.....
when she talks, he talks we all talk

In this crazy world

So in all today's hype of the election i just have one comment. You people have so much faith in man don't you know only one man can save the world and he is not here yet but he is coming soon? In case you don't know who am talking bout i mean Jesus. Don't wanna seem like your typical Sunday joe because believe me many Sundays i have been missing in action but aint it the truth? Now don't get me wrong i am a true Obama supporter i have so much faith in him but i do not believe he can change the world let alone save it. Besides money talks and politics is a dirty business look at how Bush got into office in 2004. I thought for sure Al Gore won the state of Florida but hey am just your black girl living in a different part of a black world.